Some days it is so hard to shake my unrealistic and often times inaccurate perceptions of who I actually am. I know who I want to be and what is important to me, but then when I fall short of my own expectations, I become disappointed, frustrated and disillusioned that I will never be that person. I'm referring both to my visual perceptions and my psychological or cognitive perceptions of myself.
That little inner voice that tells me stuff about myself can really sway from one end of the spectrum to the other ... from self-acceptance to self-loathing and hatred. On a good day, I look in the mirror and I think ... you're okay today, maybe even a little attractive and then on a so-called "bad" day, I think ... ugh! You are so fat, and ugly and well ... just awful! It's a roller coaster of emotions that go with those thoughts too - I start to change my outfits three, four times before I find something that I'm comfortable to go out in and I have to put on the brave face and tell myself ... "I don't care what anyone thinks of me" when in reality, I cringe if I perceive someone is looking at me with critical eyes or vaguely mentions anything to do with looks or weight.
I also think back to comments from my childhood that have really stuck with me ... two in particular ... both were told to me by friends who had gorgeous figures but psychologically were messed up by their obsession with weight loss!
(1) FAT IS UGLY!
(2) When you're fat, people will always comment on how beautiful your hair is because they can't comment on your overall look!
Well ... let me tell you that I lived these two statements in great belief that they were true! Of course, I was justified in my beliefs, or so I thought - Fat is Ugly ... isn't it? I'm fat, therefore I'm ugly ... and since I was single for nearly 10 years with not even so much as an interested glance from any man, it must have been true ... I was fat, therefore I was ugly! And secondly, if I had a dollar for every time I have been complimented on my hair ... I'd be a millionaire for sure right now! So again, that second statement was totally reinforced every time someone commented on my hair and nothing else about me ... gee ... I must have truly amazing hair - LOL!!
These became what I term "essential truths" in my life - truths that are, in reality, horribly distorted because although I am fat and my hair is very thick and blonde, I started to internalise the underlying messages more than the surface level statements could ever actually mean! As a result, I gave up on myself many times thinking ... it's futile to even try to lose weight because even when I was at my thinnest, I was still fat and therefore unworthy of being loved, inadequate and unable to achieve what the world was setting up as an expectation for beauty!
So this is just a short message today to get you thinking about what "essential truths" you may be holding on to from your childhood or current situation and how you are allowing these to impact your behaviours? I also have to say that for some reason, when people start to notice my weight loss and give me a compliment or make a comment, even if it is encouraging, it somehow has the opposite effect of making me self-conscious and almost throws me off track ... so whilst I know their intentions are good, I would actually prefer not to have any compliments or comments on my appearance because it feeds into some of these essential truths ... there are a lot of them to deal with!
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