I remember a time about 8 years ago now when I was so despondent about my weight and so disillusioned with the effort that was required to just make a choice regarding what food I would eat for every meal ... everything seemed a bit pointless and hopeless. My thoughts were strong ... "I HATE FOOD"!!! But I loved it at the same time too! I didn't want to be anorexic, I just wanted to be normal for my body weight but I had lost complete sight of what that actually meant or looked like. Everything related to food felt like it was screaming at me to give up, forget about trying, eat what I wanted to eat, and not care about what other people thought about me or my body! Every fibre in my body wanted to reject all foods completely so that I no longer had the agonising process of having to make a choice about what to eat ... every meal became an epic mind battle and every time I gave in to my preferences, I berated myself for the failed choice, the failed attempt to be thinner, healthier, more beautiful.
Depression ... ah yes ... a condition that is well known by most overweight people I have no doubt. Depressive thoughts of hopelessness, guilt, shame, fear, low self-worth and low self-confidence would flood in like a rushing King Tide at any given moment when the food war was raging! Despair and Loneliness in the individual pain of this struggle is so real, it's almost tangible.
It was easy to think the following types of thoughts: "No one understands what I have been through, no one cares about the toll this struggle has taken on me, no one stops to consider how hard I've tried and what about all the lost or missed opportunities to engage in life this body war has caused."
These are some of the self-deprecating thoughts that have beaten me up mentally and literally, and I have wanted to scream at the world so many times ... "Life is just NOT fair!"
Why me? Why did I have to be someone who had a bigger body, a body that held more fat than the girl next to me? Why couldn't I have had a sexy, thin body that allowed me to eat what I wanted, wear what I wanted and live how I wanted without worrying?
What I have, however, come to realise is that women are so super critical at comparisons ... we compare ourselves to each other and then uphold one another to an unrealistic standard and expectation.
This is NOT fair!
We judge other women harshly, we judge ourselves more harshly.
This is NOT fair!
We lack the ability to nurture self-acceptance.
This is NOT fair!
We believe that beauty is only on the outer ... we forget that it is the beauty that lies within that makes that outer shine.
This is NOT fair!
In essence, I now know that no matter what size or shape your body fits into, there is likely to be something that we won't like about ourselves - I remember a DOVE video on this really impacted me!
This is NOT fair!
Nothing in life is fair ... nothing about being fat is fair ... and nothing about being sorry for ourselves is fair!
We need to fight ... stand up and claim our freedom, our independence, our individuality like never before! We are not robots or carbon copies of one another - we were never meant to be so and yet that is what we tend to strive towards when we follow fashion trends, magazine glamour and movie star glitter!
About 8 years ago, I felt depressed about my weight. Every time I talked about it, I would well up and the King Tide of emotion would overwhelm me. I sought advice from my GP and God bless her, she was a lovely woman and I have every confidence she had my best interest at heart because she knew me well. I was offered a course of Anti-Depressants and I bought them from the chemist ... took them home ... and was about to pop that first pill into my mouth when something stopped me ... I couldn't do it! I literally could not bring myself to admit that my own thoughts about my weight had led me to that moment and in that moment, I vowed to myself that I would not allow myself to feel depressed about my weight again. I am not knocking medication ... please do not misunderstand me ... I simply hate pills ... any pills ... I struggle to finish a course of antibiotics, I wait until I'm in migraine mode before I take a headache tablet ... it's just not my thing!! So I knew that if I started this Anti-Depressant, I probably wouldn't continue them and I had to find another way to move myself forward. Self-Acceptance for me was the best medicine at that moment ... but it's still taken me 8 years to really start moving in the right direction towards weight loss ...
Life is just NOT fair ... no, it certainly is not but we need to equip ourselves and those we love with never ending, unconditional acceptance and self-acceptance for who we are, not just what we look like!
The reason I wrote this post tonight is because my almost 4 year old son was sitting at the dinner table tonight and he suddenly started singing the song ...
If I were a butterfly, I'd thank you Lord for giving me wings (come on ... sing a long!) ... but I just thank you Father for making me, Me!
In that moment ... I realised that despite life feeling unfair with regards to my struggle with my weight ... I am thankful to God for making me, Me!
